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Acknowledgement

Being a dog has its disadvantages. For instance, I have neither prehensile fingers nor opposeable thumbs. Because of this, this journal is ghost written by a human. She is my human, you can not have her.
The Alternate Dog has moved in with me! I have to share my bedroom with her, on account of how the Alternate Dog is Geriatric and possibly Incontinent and cannot be trusted alone in the rest of the house overnight. I do not know why the Humans think that her sharing a room with me will in any way help to resolve these problems. Humans make very little sense at the best of times, though.

Last week my human poured water on my head on account of how I was smelling very 'doggy'. The Alternate Dog does not have water poured on her head, because she goes to the Dog Wash. I do not need to go to the Dog Wash on account of how I do not go completely berzerk when water is poured on my head. I am also a Quick Dry dog, and do not look ridiculous when soggy on account of how I am a Short Haired tetrapod, and the Alternate Dog is a FLOOFY Haired floor covering.

The Alternate Dog does not walk, or even get up, very often. When she does, she often falls over again, especially when I jump on her or knock her over as I sprint past. She is not able to Get Out Of The Way very quickly, and so the Humans sometimes knock her over by accident when she is standing behind them. I, being young and sprightly, can get In and Out Of The Way very quickly when the mood strikes me.

I have met a new Human! He rides a bike, and I chase him. This is an activity of which I heartily approve.

Mergers and Acquisitions

On account of how I am very Busy and Important, it has been a while since I last posted. I am sure that I was sorely missed by the internet community. I have momentous news, though!

I have a spare dog! Her name is Ruby and she is made of FLOOF! She is the dog of the Enemy, but she is not all bad. I do not think that I am very relevant to her interests, though. Her main interest is sleeping. I have tried to explain to her that I am a boy dog and she is a girl dog and there are certain things that this relationship entails, but she has been for the most part either unresponsive or downright rude.

I also have a Bean Bag! It is my own personal Everest. Every time I climb to the top, I end up at the bottom. One day, I will conquer the mountain. I will definitely do it before the spare dog does - on her first attempt, she got to the level known as base camp and stayed there until someone helped her down again. She is not as keen for adwenture and excitement as I am.

I am also engaged in an ongoing debate with the big black dog on the other side of the common garden. He thinks that the common garden is under his jurisdiction, when it is clearly under mine on account of how I spend much more time there. Given time he will be persuaded by my superior logic and highly developed reasoning skills.

Further Reforms

The Humans now have an eating place that is not the couch.  It is a Table, with Chairs.  This means that I cannot maintain eye contact with a Human until said Human gives me foodies.  In fact, they are making me sit on my bed while they are eating.  It does not matter how mournful I look; I must stay on the bed until the Humans are finished eating.

I have already established that by jumping on a Chair I can get on to the Table, but this does not work when a human is sitting on the Chair, or when the Chairs are pushed in.  I have decided, however, that I am not entirely averse to the table as long as I get treats after the Humans have finished eating at it.

Today, also, the Humans poured water on my head.  This, they said, is because I smelled like ‘a dog that has been rolling in grass’.  I think this is a good thing because that is what I am – a dog that has been rolling in grass.  I was quite content with this identity; no conflict at all, but my Humans wanted me to be ‘a dog that smells Baby Powder Fresh’.  And now I am a little of both, on account of my having rolled in the grass to get the Baby Powder Fresh scent off of me as much as possible. 

On Alternates

My human has been spending time with an Alternate Dog.  This dog is an Alternate Dog because she is by no means a Substitute – I am far too unique for there to be anything other than inferior copies and Alternate Dogs.  I have met this Alternate dog, and she is OLD.  When I met her I asked her if she wanted to play with me and she declined.  I was very put out, and tried to play with her anyway.  Then she got grumpy.  This is how I know she is old – young, sprightly, happy-go-lucky scamps such as myself do not get grumpy.  We have been known to sulk, and occasionally to be gruff, but never grumpy.

The problem with the time spent with this Alternate Dog is it means my Human is Very Far Away, and this I do not like.  I like it very much when she comes back, but not so much when she leaves and when she is not here.  I do not like this alternate dog, I suspect she is the reason for my Human’s prolonged absences.  They say it is something to do with her teeths, but I am dubious.  My teeths are just fine, and she is my Human, and my human and I have grown to be very much alike, and as such her teeths must also be fine.  There is absolutely no flaw to my logic on this point.

I have a new game I like to play with my Humans – I call it the ‘So Happy’ game.  Every time I was exuberantly happy, my Human would sing, “So happy, so happy!” to me.  And so, now when she sings “So Happy” I go from zero to bouncing with joy in a split second.  I do not think my Human realises just how easily I make associations.

I have also been spending a lot of time flolloping in the long grass in my outside (it needs to be Short Grass, say the Humans, but I like to pretend I am hunting through a Jungle for lost treasures, and so I think it needs to stay long).  This has led to me smelling not just like a Dog, but also like a Dog who has been rolling in grass.  My humans do not appreciate my entirely natural perfume, and I have an inkling that they are going to be pouring water on my head sometime soon.

Must dash – there is someone walking past the hoose and I must tell that person to Keep On Walking, Buddy.

People are strange, when you're a stranger

We went to the parking lot viewing box again last night. The picture was about blue humans with tails. This fact made them Superior, in my opinion, to other humans. If humans had tails, they would be more like hoonds, and that can only be a good thing.

In the picture, the humans without tails did not realise that the blue humans were Special, if not Superior to regular humans. This meant that the regular humans were not relevant to my interests. I think that the non-tailed humans were jealous of the blue humans with tails, and tried to find out how to get tails of their own by using Brute Force and Ignorance. I did not really like the regular humans, so I slept through all of the parts where there were lots of them.

My favourite part of the picture by far had to do with some lizards with wings, but telling you about that would be spoilerish, and I do not want to spoil it for you.

My humans bought a chikkin today. I know because I can smell it. I think that the chikkin is for me, because the humans do not eat chikkin. I do not really understand this, because to me chikkin is the Best Thing Ever. I also do not understand why the humans will not give me the chikkin now, no matter how loudly I tell them to.

My kingdom for a hoose!

My humans would like you all to know that they have a 'hoose for the hoond'. I have determined that the 'hoond' is, in fact, me. So I have a hoose. I have never had a hoose before, so I am not sure what it is.

It is relevant to my interests to find out exactly what is a hoose, as it will be hard for me to appreciate having one if I do not understand what it is for.

These things I know about the hoose:

1)It has an outside. In fact, it has an outside in the front, and an outside in the back. These outsides are enclosed by fences. Therefore I can footle and flollop in safety, and this outside will be mine entirely so I will not have to share it with other, bigger, hoonds. My humans took me to flollop in the outside of the hoose this evening. There were interesting smells and other hoonds that I could talk to but could not see, and there were shrubberies.

2)There is a park near the hoose. I also flolloped around the park this evening. It is a Place Where Dogs Run Free, so I can Socialise with other hoonds, with supervision.

3)The humans are very happy about the hoose. They keep talking about Space, and Location. I gather, though, that the most important feature of this hoose is that it is Suitable for me. I know that this is the most important feature because, as the only genuine hoond, I am the most important member of the pack.

4) I was instrumental in obtaining this hoose. My resume and references were submitted to the owner of the hoose, along with a photo of me (looking rather dashing, even if I do say so myself). My resume is impressive. I have two obedience training diplomas and a certificate from a private trainer, a reference from a canine behaviourist, and a character reference from earthnative. I am given to understand that some hoose owners do not want hoonds in their hooses, but with my Credentials I was able to persuade the hoose owner to give us the hoose.

I have not been into the inside of the hoose, but the humans can't go into the hoose until the 8th of January. It is Vacant, but it is not OUR hoose until then.

I think that having a hoose is a Good Thing, and as such I approve of it.
My humans are making a regular Thing of going to the carpark picture viewing box. We have been there twice since my last post! Last time, the moving picture had only three humans in it, and an inwisible something. The third human was only in two scenes - the inwisible something was in a lot more, and thus was a Major Character, where the third human was not, on account of his being a Minor Character whose only purpose was Exposition. The inwisible something could make Things happen. Mostly, the other two humans slept, or watched the inwisible something make Things happen.

I am not one for giving Spoilers, but I will say that it should have ended about ten seconds before it did. I know this because I woke up just before the ending. I did not need to see the rest of the moving picture to know that the ending was Too Much.

This time, the humans went to see a movie with Howling. This was very relevant to my interest as I am a dog, and dogs are known to Howl. The things in the movie that Howled were not dogs, though. I do not know what else, that is not a dog, howls, therefore these things must have been Monsters. They were certainly Wild Things, because dogs are Wild Things, and they are the only creatures that I know of that howl. Therefore the Howling Monsters were Wild Things, even if they were not dogs. And they were there, on the viewing box. I thought to myself during the picture that there, on the screen, were Wild Things. 'Therefore," I thought, "on the screen is Where The Wild Things Are."

I was very pleased with this discovery and tried to share it with my humans, but they did not want to listen to me, despite my Cleverness. They told me to 'Shhhh!'. I do not know how to 'Shhhh!'.

I was unimpressed with their lack of desire to bask in my Cleverness. I was also unimpressed that they did not share the foodies. So I fell alseep and did not watch the moving picture. I did see the Ending, because a dog barks near the ending and this, being relevant to my interests, was worthy of my Attention.

In other news, I am Shedding. I am doing this so that everything my human wears will be covered in my fur, and she can take me with her everywhere she goes. This is a very Thoughtful thing for me to do, because if I did not do it she would have to leave me behind sometimes, and that distresses me her.

My Triumphant Return

My incarceration is finally at an end. I have been reunited with my humans. This is a Very Good Thing for All Concerned.

But I am starting at the end of the story, when I should start at the beginning.

The Other Human has taken Drastic Measures to implement his many changes to the status quo. He won the 'Badger doesn't sleep in the bed' battle, and the 'Badger doesn't stick his nose in the humans' food' fight. I was happy to give him those victories, because they were little enough. I thought he would be happy with his successes so far.

Oh, how awfully wrong I was.

While my human thought I was in storage, I was in fact being Reformed. I was sent to a special Reform School. It was horrible. It took FOREVER in the Awful Box just to get there, and then the Other Human left me in the hands of a Corrections Officer. Somehow the Other Human had convinced this Corrections Officer that I had Behaviours that needed Correcting. I am not sure why the Corrections Officer was so ready to believe this! I have many Behaviours, some of which are idiosyncratic, some that are learned (I spent many hours in puppy school learning how to steal treats from other dogs how to sit, drop and spin around in circles), and all of which are endearing, but none of which, in my opinion, need Correcting.

I think the Other Human takes issue with my tendency to tell humans and other animals that they are in the wrong place, and that they should go away because I am a big scary dog who is not scared of them at all. He thinks that this is a Behaviour. I think he convinced the Corrections Officer that it was a Behaviour, and that I needed to be Socialised. If that sounds awful, well, it isn't really. I think Socialising means something other than what the Other Human thinks it means.

Socialising means foodies.

... I am perfectly serious.

In order to Socialise me, the Corrections Officer had lots of Humans bring me foodies. As you can imagine, this was extremely relevant to my interests. I am perfectly content to let many lots of Humans bring me foodies. I slowly came to realise that the Corrections Officer was acting in my Best Interests. I do not think that the Other Human paid him enough. Either that, or my natural charms affected a sort of reverse Stockholm Syndrome on the Corrections Officer.

I think the Other Human is sending me back to Reform School next week. I think he will try to convince the Corrections Officer to fix another of my Behaviours, and I also think the Corrections Officer will just give me more foodies. I am looking forward to this, even though it means being away from my Human and giving the Other Human a chance to attempt to usurp my place (which is, as always, In The Way).

Let's go to the movies!

My humans took me on an Excursion!

I thought it would be an adwenture, because we went out in the wheely zoomy box, but instead the humans took me to a parking lot.  They stayed in the parking lot for EVER.  I was so bored that I fell asleep.  I did get to eat leftover foodies, which made this a bonus Excursion, but we did not leave the wheely zoomy box.   I thought this was very strange.

The parking lot had a big picture viewing box, and the humans were very interested in both the viewing box and the wheely zoomy sounding box.  (That is the box that sounds that are not wheely zoomy sounds come out of - sometimes the sounds are human howlings and sometimes they are human barkings.  This time was peculiar in that the sounding box had both howling and barking sounds coming out of it.)

I think my humans spent the whole time we were in the parking lot looking at the viewing box.  It was not relevant to my interests, so when I finished my foodies I fell asleep.

My humans call the parking lot a drive-in mooooovie, but this does not make sense because nothing was moving.  Especially not me.  But I did get to eat human foodies, and sit in the front of the wheely zoomy box.  Usually my humans do not like me to sit in the front of the wheely zoomy box because I cause an Obstruction.  This is because I usually want to sit on the lap of the human who is operating the wheely zoomy box.

Despite being a very strange event, I would not object if my humans made another excursion to the drive-in moooovie, becaise I like travelling in the wheely zoomy box, and I like being with my humans.  Even if what they are doing when we get where we are going does not make sense.

In which I describe human behaviour.

 My human has been behaving strangely.  I think there must be something in the water she is drinking.  I have drunk some of it and it is hot and does not taste like water and makes me go zooooooooooom.  I do not like the water that the human drinks, and I do not think that she should drink it because it makes her act very oddly indeed.

Allow me to describe the behaviour.  My human gets up from the couch, gathers the things a human leaves the house with, goes to the door, and then turns around, puts her things down, and sits back down.  And then she does it again, and again, and again, while I watch in utter confusion.  I think that my human has developed something like an obsessive compulsive disorder, or perhaps she is afraid of the Outside and thus is agoraphobic.  She tells me that it is because I have a Panic Disorder in which I Panic because the humans have left me alone.  This does not strike me as particularly likely - it is completely rational for me to panic when I don't know if my humans are coming back.  The human tells me that my panic is Destructive, and that I might hurt myself, but the only way in which I think I am likely to be hurt is if the humans do not come back and feed me.  The foods are all on very high shelves and thus are not what my human refers to as Fair Game for me.

Speaking of games, my human has come up with a new one.  This game involves diced ham, which is the greatest thing in the WORLD.  I do not really understand the game, because all it seems to involve is her throwing diced ham into the Awful Box, which I then go in and get.  I do understand that if I stay inside the Awful Box, rather than coming out again, I get more diced ham, and quicker.  I also know that if a human tries to close the door to the Awful Box, I will go Berzerk.  I think that my human knows this, and this is why she will not close the door to the Awful Box while I am in it.

On the whole, it can be said that I approve of games that involve diced ham, even if they involve such things as the Awful Box.